I grew up in a family where manners were very important and had to be followed ALL THE TIME. Consequently, I became very aware of my behaviour when I am around people. This included how I spoke to them, how I reacted to things they told me, and how I expressed my opinions, good or bad. I was taught that it is bad manners to interrupt someone when they are speaking, to tell people they are wrong unless you have a reason that explains your opinion and to put them on the spot about something they might not want to be involved with. I grew up around people who seemed to have been taught similar social rules and morals, so obviously i grew to understand that everyone is on the same page about these things. No one needs to be told to eat with their mouth closed or knock before entering someone else's room (not necessarily the case for family members) or keep your mouth shut all you have to say demeans the person you are speaking to. But it turns out not everyone has grown up with these normal social etiquettes. This is perhaps unfortunate but not surprising since there are different social rules all over the world.
What is unfortunate is when you are in a situation where someone breaks socials rules that you are used to following. How to you respond to someone who either doesn't know certain rules or just doesn't seem to care about them? It is hard for me to say something rude to someone's face. But what happens when someone else says something clearly rude to you? It is likely to bring your defensive wall up...because it is normal. But there is also the social rule that stops you from saying something rude back. So there is a conflict in your head. Do you respond to put them in their place or do you try to calm yourself and let it glaze over you? I don't have the answer to that but I would love to find out.
In my experience, even when I have tried to subtly let the person know that their actions are making me uncomfortable, they don't understand. Not sure if it is because they don't care or they just don't get the hint. So my practice has been usually to keep quite and let it move on. If it is something serious I might try to deal with it at a later time, after my defensiveness has subsided. Usually when we are defensive, we don't think clearly and are likely to react somewhat irrationally.
If anyone has interesting stories that explains their unusual situations, please feel free to share it :)
I have probably violated some of those rules of etiquette, but I will offer my two cents on the subject.
ReplyDeleteI think etiquette is important because it allows people to know what to do and what not to do. It puts people at ease. I do think that our generation has a general lack of etiquette.
In terms of discussions, I'm not sure what people's different versions of etiquette may be. When I go to my family's house, it's not uncommon for an argument to occur. We would agree that it is proper etiquette to not become overly angry or to personally attack others, but boisterous verbal duals do occur. So within our version of etiquette, we would not find it necessary to avoid any form of conflict whatsoever. We may disagree on a subject then each person would argue their point. I've seen many situations where this has gotten out of hand! But we don't throw the baby out with the bathwater by declining to discuss anything more controversial than our favorite flavor of ice cream.
In terms of our generation, I think one of the areas of lack is in social etiquette at things like parties. To many people, a party involves telling a couple of people casually that you might have them over, and asking them to invite others. Then when they arrive, the host opens the doors and lets them in, and they feel that's enough. I would like to say the author of this blog is a very good host and I enjoy her get-togethers! She is not the norm.
I saw this funny video on youtube from the 50s describing how to go about throwing a party, and it involved more than opening the door!
I thought about etiquette the other day and I think it can be summed up in an attempt to reduce anxiety. Anxiety can be caused by a number of things: boredom, awkwardness, uncertainty as to what must be done, hunger, poor conversational interaction, etc. The goal of the host is to reduce these factors in order to make the guests as comfortable as possible.
I think you are absolutely right. We hold on to etiquettes so we can put people at ease. When you don't act like the way you are expected to act, people around you are unsure of what to do or say and get anxious. Some people actually use this to their advantage. When you are anxious, you don't think straight or rational. This is when such people put them on the spot just so they can get something done for themselves and don't give the other person a chance to say no.
ReplyDeleteYeah, saying no is hard. My mom was saying one time we have to learn to say no and people have to learn to accept it as a free choice and not as a slight against them. I'm really bad in this area. If someone puts me on the spot for a favor, it's hard to say no to their face, because they take it as more than just you not wanting to do something, it's you rejecting them as a person.
ReplyDeleteSo, usually we make up an excuse, like I'm busy or I'm doing something else, etc. People should just understand, but I guess I may not understand either if someone rejected me.
It would be nice to be able to just say no thanks without offending someone. If you think about it, it only makes sense. For example, if someone asked for a ride, and the driver said yes, then the asker would thank them and feel like they are doing something good. But if the driver said no, the asker would be really upset and think the other person is mean to them, etc. But why are they even happy when they say yes if that is the only acceptable response in the first place?
Something to think about I guess.
that was funny. when I had to put in the code word, it was "munfees". haha, mun fees. we've all had to pay those!
ReplyDeletehaha. yea, maybe thats the blog's way of asking u to write about fees. In fact, maybe this is what motivated u to write that debt blog :D
ReplyDelete