Who needs a new friend when I have myself?

Humans are social creatures. We need to have people around us. Some people need to be surrounded by others all the time, whereas others need them only some of the time. But we all need people. It is just how society is formed. Very few people can be self sustaining; especially in a modern world. There are people working in stores we go to buy things, people at our work, people living around us, people who come on TV, people who put things up on the internet, people who write books, people who you “friend” on social networking sites. People everywhere. One of the most important things we need people for though is emotional support. This is where friends come in. Friends are people who fulfill a certain intangible need in our lives. Need to be able to trust and rely on someone, need to be able to share and laugh and have fun. Where do we come across these friends?

We chose them of course. We make friends when we go to school, the person who shares their lunch with us, who stands up for us when the bully comes, who helps you with homework. Then we grow up and go to college and our friends become people we see often, brought together either because of a similar interest or course. These are times when making friends come easier. There are people around us and we can choose those that best fit our lives.

What happens when we are out of school and move somewhere new? We don’t have classes since we work. And let’s face it, we don’t all end up with awesome co workers we can call friends. Perhaps we feel like they might rat on us the minute we say something personal or we may feel like they are just spying on you because they want the corner office just as much as you do. What do we do then?

For some people, meeting new people comes naturally and changing the relationship from strangers to acquaintances to friends is a simple transition. But for most people, meeting new people in a new, or even an old place, is a daunting task. This post is for those people. How do we manage to make new friends when we have been thrown away from the atmosphere or making new friends?

1) Look: The most crucial point is to actually WANT to make new friends. If you are in a new place, you NEED people to help you make the place home. And for that to happen, you need friends. So be on the lookout for people who could potentially become good friends. Perhaps someone at work seems to have the same sense of humour as you and works in the same area as you in the office. Strike up a conversation about work but move to non work related things. Perhaps something like:

You: man, I really wanted to get the report done this weekend but I wasn’t able to because (something you may have done on the weekend).
Co worker: Oh yea, what did you do?
You: I tried (something clever and fun) for the first time but it was a disaster. What do you guys do around here on weekends?
Co worker: (some other things)

And the conversation flows. Depending on what they say, you will be able to decide whether those are things you want to be doing. If not, you’ve had a good conversation but perhaps they will not make the cut of friend. If, on the other hand, they tell you about things you want to be doing yourself, ask them more questions about it and eventually they will either invite you to join them or give you information on how you can get involved in them yourself. Always accept the invitation if you are interested in the activity. Don’t worry about not knowing them well enough. If it is an activity that involves a lot of people and you are not comfortable with that, than obviously this is not the activity for you.

Some fun activities to do when you move to a new place involve hiking, taking walking tours, trying out well known restaurants, getting on the bus and just seeing where it goes (but make sure you know how to get back). If someone tells you of a fun place to go, ask them if they would be willing to show you around that place.

Coffee shops are good places to meet new people because they usually have the same people trafficking through during the day. You have to be careful when approaching people in coffee shops though. They might think you are coming on to them when you just want to be friends. Also, some people might not want to talk to anyone while they have their coffee. Take a quick look around; if the place is busy, find someone who looks friendly. Ask if you can share the table because all other tables are taken. If they reading a book, you could ask them if the book is good, and what it is about. If you’ve noticed they usually go there same time as you, you can say something like, “I’ve noticed you are here around the same time I am every day. Is this close to where you work, or on your way to work?” and let the conversation flow from there. Or compliment a specific beverage sold in that shop and ask if they’ve tried it.

Another good place to meet new people is in the subway. Although, because subways are so crowded, and people are usually in such a hurry, not everyone wants to talk. You could try and strike up a conversation with the person next to you if you think they are friendly enough. If they’ve looked at you and given you a smile, that’s usually a good indication they won’t slap you if you try to talk to them. You can make a statement about how noisy the ride is or how crazy busy the subway is. You can also add something like, I am so not used to this city yet. They will most likely ask where you are from, and a conversation can go on from there. If this person travels at the same time as you, next time you see them, you can say hi and they will most likely recognize you and say hi. Over time, you can slowly start talking about different things on your way to work. It never needs to go beyond your subway friendship if you feel that it would make them feel uncomfortable if you asked. But if, after a few conversations, it seems like this person can be a friend, you can tell them to join you for something fun you are doing. Usually they will say no if you are inviting them to your house, but perhaps if you invite them to a place they know, perhaps a festival or something, where it’s a public place, you have a better chance of getting a yes.

Another place to meet new people is by joining groups. There is a group for just about anything, especially in big cities. My friend Steve told me about www.meetup.com which is a site that gets people together. Check some other sites such as these and find likeminded people. Not only are you likely to meet people who enjoy the same thing as you, the fact that you are all taking the time to meet shows that they are open to meeting new people as well. When you are in such a group, be brave and speak up. People notice those people with voices and are more likely to come up and talk to them at the end of the talk.

2) Put in the effort: Now that you have made a few connections, the next step is to graduate these people to the friend status. How do you do this? By putting effort into this newly formed relationship. You have to try and make time to meet with this person and spend time getting to know one another. You can never be friends with a stranger, no unless you’ve spent enough time getting to know the stranger; in which case they are no longer a stranger. Never assume the other person needs to put in work too. They may not need a new friend and may not be looking for a new friend. So it is up to you to make the effort and pursue their friendship. I know it sounds stalkerish, but it’s necessary. Ask them to do things with you, invite them along if you are going somewhere new, nourish the relationship. Contact them often. This will help you get to know them better and vice versa.

3) Accept or move on: It might turn out that the person you decided to make your friend, isn’t who you thought they were and you no longer enjoy their company. You have to learn to accept them for who they are. You can’t change them and mould them into someone you enjoy spending time with. Don’t be bitter towards them for being them. Learn to love them the way they are or move on. You can chose to stop giving into this new formed relationship if you are not getting anything out of it. It sounds selfish, and perhaps it is. But you are not enjoying yourself when you are around them, perhaps it is impacting the amount of fun they can have as well. By keeping a stale friendship going, you are taking away from possibilities of making new connections from both of you. It is perhaps better to reduce the time you spend with them and go looking for more friends. I do not recommend this for people known a while. This is more for people who are still in the acquainting phase. Last thing you want to do is hurt your friends’ feelings.

So there, sorry this has been a long post, but I hope this can help some people out there who find themselves in a new place and are struggling to make new connections.

I am also adding a list I found on another site that I thought had some good ideas about places to meet new people and picked my favorite ones to add here:

1)Join a health club: solves two problems; you'll become less of a couch potato and more fit.

2)Take a class, any class: again a two in one tactic; you'll learn something new and make new friends with similar interests.

3)Play a Sport.

4)Join a Book Club

5)Volunteer: Help build houses for Habitat for Humanity; give out beverages at marathons, or join one of the many volunteer organizations.

6)Have a Party: Invite your friends and have them invite two friends and so on and so on.

7)Learn a craft: take craft classes at your local community center.

8)Get a Dog and Walk Everywhere: go to parks and the beach with your dog. Dogs are great people meeters!

9)Go to every Party you are invited to: even if you don't want to go...go. You never know who you'll meet.

10)Go to seminars: lots of people go to seminars alone; great place to start a conversation.

11)Take a yoga, Tai Chi class

12)Talk to everyone, everywhere