I was justing watching an episode of "King of Queens" and it was about what constitutes cheating. It reminded me of a few conversations I've had in the past with friends on this topic. What exactly constitutes cheating? Is it only sex that is considered cheating? What about emotional attachment with someone who is not your partner; like when someone feels they can share with someone more things than their spouse. What about when they sneak around and meet in clandestine locations and lie about it to their significant other? Even if no sex is involved, do these actions reach the level of being considered unfaithful?
People involved in these situations may feel that these are perfectly normal and not wrong. They could say things like, "well they are a good friend and I can open up to them" or "my wife isn't interested in the things me and her talk about" or "My husband is only interested in sex, my friend actually cares about my opinions".
I think it is one of those topics that everyone has an opinion on and not everyone agrees on. I want to know everyone reading this blog feel. I feel that sex or no sex, if you are hanging out with someone you don't want your partner to know about because you are worried about their reaction, it is cheating. A relationship is not just a physical commitment to one another, it is about communication and trust and sharing of each others lives. If full and complete sharing is not there, there is something wrong.
I am adding a poll to my blog to see what everyone else thinks of and I am hoping people will weigh in on this topic in the comments section
Good topic Noni. You're right, cheating is not just about sex. But I would also put another couple of angles on it.
ReplyDeleteI think normally it's not a good idea for a married man or woman to hang out alone with someone of the opposite sex and approximately the same age, with exceptions like relatives, etc. Even if there is nothing going on between them, they are placing themselves in the "near occasion" or within easy reach of sin. To avoid sin, you should avoid places and people which could lead to sin.
I think that's what happens with movie stars. They get so much exposure to possible cheating scenarios that many give in. Increase exposure and you increase risk. I think it's advisable to have ground rules.
But I also think for some reason, people, especially women have placed cheating as the most heinous possible crime and completely unforgivable in a relationship. I'm not saying it's good, I'm saying cheating is terrible, but a marriage is about a commitment, and if the significant other is contrite about their behavior and makes resolution to never do it again, I don't think it's an insurmountable obstacle. I think there must be a stronger bond than that in a marriage. Of course, things may go wrong, but you have to work through problems, not just give up automatically.
Also, we must maintain the same standard for men and women. Many people see the woman as always the victim. If the man cheats, he's a scumbag. If a woman cheats, well it was because the man was emotionally distant and she was looking for love. That's a disgraceful double-standard.
I do agree with you that it is important to keep ourselves away from possible occasions of sins. but staying away from people is not really an option in this day an age, nor is it advisable. Instead, I think its important to be aware of rules and hang our people who share the same views as you. Something that happens a lot in the muslim world, something even my parents do, is hang in separate groups. When we go visit families, many times, the men sit in one room and the women in the other. That way they are still around people, but they are protected from unnecessary exposure.
ReplyDeleteI also think there is a reason cheating is put in such a terrible light. It is terrible. It shows the ultimate betrayal to your partner, whether it is committed by a man or a woman.
I do think you are wrong when you say that there is a double standard when it comes to men and women cheating. I have never met a single person who felt that a woman who cheated was better than a man who cheated. I am unsure of where you think this standard exists. But I do think a strong enough relationship can weather any storms as long as both partners approach the problem honestly and with full intention to recoup.
I love this blog Nurun! Here is my main opinion:
ReplyDelete"People involved in these situations may feel that these are perfectly normal and not wrong. They could say things like, "well they are a good friend and I can open up to them" or "my wife isn't interested in the things me and her talk about" or "My husband is only interested in sex, my friend actually cares about my opinions"."
That is the problem. I don't think it's cheating to open up to other people other than a significant other (I know that's not what you're necessarily saying too). The problem is when you can't open up to the person you're with. Each relationship (friend and more than that) is individual, so different ways of knowing a person is fine. But my biggest belief is that your bf/gf SHOULD be a best friend. I don't think having awesome friends other than that is cheating, it's when you're keeping secrets.
I have a great friend, who is male, and there is absolutely nothing more than friendship going on. However, I don't feel the need to hide it from a bf. If a bf can't handle that part of me due to jealousy or what have you, I am not interested, as it is indicative of deeper issues, such as trust or insecurities that will kill any potential anyway.
:)
Thanks Allison. I agree that if openness is difficult in a relationship, there are deeper issues that need to be worked on. Usually if the relationship is based on openness and honesty and love, there is no cheating. If there still is, it perhaps means there is individual issues the person needs to address.
ReplyDeleteA relationship is not just a physical commitment to one another, it is about communication and trust and sharing of each others lives. If full and complete sharing is not there, there is something wrong.
ReplyDeleteNailed it for what a partnered relationship should be. If it's not, work on your own end of it. If your partner can't meet you half way - don't continue the relationship. Certainly don't fool yourself that this will work out and get involved in deeper commitments.
I think others summarized everything else I might say, so no need to parrot it.