Why do women stray?

A blog I found interesting. Read here or below

If you go to the bookstore or Amazon, you'll find dozens, maybe even hundreds of books that talk about how to detect, prevent, punish, and recover from infidelity. "Treating" infidelity is BIG business. There's even a regular convention that focuses on all the books, counseling groups and marketing groups that make money off infidelity. Surprisingly, research and anecdotal data shows that infidelity does NOT usually happen because of problems in a marriage. I've even seen women who argue backwards this way - "I cheated, so there must be something wrong in my relationship, otherwise why would I have cheated?" But, when I look at female infidelity, I find that marital distress is very rarely a reason for wives who pursue extramarital sex. So what is?

• The Sexual Peak - an oft-cited statistic is that men reach their sexual peak at 18, and women at thirty. So, by the time a woman's sexual engine is really revving up, her husband's engine is already starting to run out of gas. Mark Twain even referred to this as God's jest. But, there's no real evidence that this is in fact true. Certainly there is no biological data supporting this. I think that this myth has more to do with the fact that, in our society, young women have not traditionally been taught to embrace their sexuality as young men are taught to do. It often takes a few years of adult independence and maturity, and perhaps sexuality within a marriage, before women feel comfortable and safe enough to begin asserting and exploring their sexual needs.

• The Back-Up Plan - The only place there is some evidence of a female sexual peak later in life is that there is a spike of female infidelity in the late thirties and forties, particularly as the woman reaches the end of her reproductive years. Evolutionary researchers have suggested that this might reflect women pursuing a "backup plan" or another man to care for them, and who children she can have, if her current mate abandons her as she can longer have children. I don't know about this argument - for instance, in my book, I talk about a Roman tradition where men who had had multiple children with their wives sometimes loaned her to other childless men, so that she could bear them children. I'm just not sure that in humans, the male desire to obsessively and jealously procreate is as strong as some theorists suggest. I also suggest that these same older women are likely reaching a point of economic independence, in their own careers and finances, a factor that strongly predicts female infidelity.

• Feeling Attractive - If there is any reason for female infidelity that I have heard and seen the most, it is the woman's experience of a sense of attractiveness from the attention of men other than her husband. One woman told me, "Of course my husband thinks I'm beautiful, he's supposed to. Or at least supposed to say that he does. But when a man I don't know thinks I'm beautiful? That sends a tingle down my spine." In so many marriages, relationships settle into a domestic comfortableness, as the exciting neurochemicals of the early stages of a relationship begin to subside. Sadly, one of the things that often subsides with it is the degree to which husbands and wives stop much of the vocal praise and admiration they gave each other early on. Couples stop talking about the things in each other that they appreciate and love. Even worse, when they do talk, it is mostly about the things that aren't working so well - finances, children, in-laws, etc. So, when a woman starts being tempted by another man, it's often because when she's with him, she feels beautiful, sexy, and desired.

• Freedom - Even as societies become more sexually equal, women continue to face tremendous pressures of conformity and huge burdens of responsibility. Sometimes, the thrill of a sexual affair An Indian woman offered the following comment, in response to an earlier blog of mine. Frankly, I think she describes this better than I could:

I am a middle-class Indian woman who had an arranged marriage; one that is not particularly satisfying. I have realized that respectable middle-class Indian society will give me the opportunity and the space to be unfaithful; as long as I am discrete and keep up the appearance of being a chaste, devoted wife. Living as I do in a society that doesn't offer women a lot of validation outside of marriage and motherhood; and which gives husbands a disproportionate amount of authority over wives; I find that being unfaithful is often the only way I can reclaim a little bit of my personhood. For a few hours, I can be a free being, not just someone's wife and daughter-in-law. I wonder if there are other women like me, particularly in traditional, patriarchal societies like India's for whom infidelity is often a means of finding autonomous self-expression.
• Stranger Attraction - In studies of the sexual behavior of primates, it's been found that females will often seize the opportunity to mate with a male of another troop or group. In contrast to theories that females are selective of their sexual partners, seeking out "the best," some findings suggest that females may actually prefer variety and diversity. One evolutionary explanation is that this increases the genetic diversity of the child. In humans, studies of the major histocompatibility complex (MHC), which governs the development of the immune system, it's been found that women who are married to men whose MHC is too similar to their own are prone to be sexually unfaithful (or at least tempted) around their ovulation. And they are more tempted by men whose MHC is different. Interestingly enough, to bring this blog around to where I started, the MHC variables did not predict relationship satisfaction - despite the temptations or incidents of cheating, the marriages were happy and healthy.

Government's role in EI

According to Stats Can, as of May 2010, 37,680 people in Newfoundland are on EI. Population of Newfoundland as of April 2010 is 510,901. So 7.4% of the provincial population is on EI. If every one of those people were making minimum wage before going on EI, they would be making perhaps $17,000 a year on EI? If they spent about 5 years of their entire work life on EI, that is $85,000 per person. I am assuming a lot of things here of course, first of all, not everyone works minimum wage, not everyone spends 5 years on EI over the span of some 30 years they work. Some spend more, some spend less. But with those numbers, the government would be spending $3,202,800,000 every year on EI! That’s a huge chunk of the budget. Where does all this come from? Granted, when people are working, they pay into it. So it’s like giving them their money back when they need it. I love the system. But I wonder how efficient it is.
Imagine if the government did the exact same thing it is doing now but it tells the people on EI that they need to earn the EI. They need to do something to seek employment, either go back to school, do a training program or seek help of an employment agency. The government is already spending money on these people, why not pay them to ensure a better future for themselves? Imagine if the government paid a person on EI to take a 4 month technical training program. This person’s lifetime EI time might be cut down. Imagine if they went back to school and upgraded their education. Imagine if they went into a field that the province really needs and thus never needs to go on EI again. That’s $85,000 that does not need to be given to them for nothing. Imagine if the government said, the less time you spend on EI, the more money will be given to you once you retire. If, of those 37,680 people, even 680 people managed to get jobs and hold on to their jobs, that’s $57,800,000 that can go towards pensions.
It is not just a money game. Unemployment begets unemployment I think. The amount of stress someone goes through during unemployment is immense. It can affect their personal life and throw them into depression. If they have families to support, they can also suffer the negative impacts of unemployment in the family. These may have long term and permanent consequences on everyone involved. When someone is depressed, they usually don’t have the energy or the will to go look for a job, and they don’t have the mental state to hold on to one either. The lack of money and constant moving around can make depression worse, making this a catch 22. They are depressed because they don’t have a job, they don’t have a job because they are depressed. It goes on and on.
Being an active and productive member of the family and community is a great protector from many such mental stresses. I think the government can do better with the unfortunate ones who lose their job, either due to a downturn of economy, lack of need of their skills or for those who have no skills. The government can help ensure that everyone is doing something or is attempting to do something rather than playing the waiting game of who will hire them next. It is undoubtedly a better financial strategy and one that will keep the population healthier and happier.

Sources:

http://www40.statcan.gc.ca/l01/cst01/labor02a-eng.htm

http://www.stats.gov.nl.ca/Statistics/Population/PDF/Quarterly_Pop_Prov.pdf

Doctor's repulsiveness towards patient

I found this article that I found reall interesting and wanted to copy it here:

Article

I had to be honest—I was uncomfortable with my new patient, a woman in her late thirties, in my office for a general medical check-up. Ms. M. was petite in stature, but wide in girth, a medical condition we’d term “morbid obesity.” Her face was entirely swallowed up in thick fleshy layers of neck and jowl. Her belly was so overgrown and pendulous that it hung like a third appendage between her legs. Her hips and legs were so wide that her gait was impeded.

She struggled onto the exam table with difficulty. The metal table shuddered under her weight. When I lifted her shirt to listen to her lungs, I gained an up-close view of bulbous waves of adipose tissue that spilled over in tiered layers. When I palpated her abdomen, my hands were engulfed in a sea of fat. My job is to be nonjudgmental, but the reflexive discomfort was impossible to deny, and I was upset at my unease.

So when I read a recent study in the Journal of General Internal Medicine that doctors seem to express less respect for obese patients, I wasn’t surprised—but I was dismayed. Why do medical professionals react that way?

No doubt one reason is that obesity—like alcoholism and drug use—is considered to be self-induced, even by doctors who are well aware of genetics and the other confounding factors involved. From the perspective of a group singularly steeped in the discipline and deprivation that got us through medical school and residency, it’s hard to jettison the idea—despite mountains of scientific evidence to the contrary—that these medical conditions could be alleviated by simple personal responsibility.

Perhaps in obese patients we see the feared reflections of ourselves, should we lose our carefully honed discipline. My own adolescent battles with weight and body image—however modest compared with my patient’s—left me with an aversion to junk food and overeating. Maybe Ms. M. represents my worst nightmare, what I would become if I stopped being vigilant and lost control altogether.
Maybe the pure physicality of obesity is the issue. In a society that worships svelte and fit bodies to an unhealthy extreme, even a well-groomed, tidy person like Ms. M. can be perceived as slovenly just because of her weight.

These reactions are entirely irrational, of course; but emotions were never billed as rational, and doctors are as susceptible as anyone else. I don’t want to be the type of doctor who prejudges her patients, and I certainly don’t want to contribute to the very real stigma that obese people face in so many aspects of their lives. Yet I couldn’t help the automatic discomfort I felt.

The more I actually talked with Ms. M, the easier things became. She was soft-spoken and talked forthrightly of the stress of raising three children and tending her to her own medical problems, many of which stemmed from her obesity. She admitted that she had trouble controlling her eating, that stress only caused her to eat more, and that being overweight made her depressed. And she spoke of a family history of obesity, poverty, emotional abuse, and neglect.

After we finished our visit, I thought about my reaction to her. Was it any different than racism, any less repellent? Even if her condition were self-induced, even partly, how could I countenance how I felt?

Over the years, I’ve cared for patients who were potently malodorous. I’ve tugged off socks with lives of their own. I’ve changed dressings on putrid, oozing wounds. I’ve encountered maggots, roaches, and diarrhea during physical examinations. I’ve gagged and felt close to vomiting many times—I’m as squeamish as the next person. I can’t control my physical reactions, as I can’t control some of my emotional ones. But I can control what I do with them; they are internal experiences and can be tamed with my outer behavior.

But is that enough? Even if I hide how I feel about an “undesirable” patient, my feelings still may subtly influence how I respond and interact, in a way that results in poorer medical care. This is a genuine fear of mine. Marginalized groups of all stripes have tended to avoid the health care system. The barriers are many—financial, logistical, language. Studies suggest that the feeling of being disrespected, even covertly, also plays a role.
So how do doctors change our inner landscapes? How do we control our gut feelings? One step is to own up: to be honest about our feelings (in the appropriate forum, of course), however distasteful these feelings may be. Another approach, to borrow a technique from psychology, is to “act as if.” If a doctor can act as if an obese—or smelly, or irritating, or alcoholic—patient doesn’t bother her, perhaps in time it really won’t. More important, her behavior serves as a model to the students, interns, and medical staff around her.

I was relieved recently to read a new study, the largest of its kind, that found that the medical care given to overweight patients is no different than what the general medical population receives. Despite an ingrained societal bias against obesity, one that affects physicians as well, the medical profession seems to able to overcome it and deliver quality treatment.

I’m not sure that suffices, though. Doctors may swallow their gut feelings, hold their noses, and adequately treat patients whom they deem undesirable. But even that approach conflicts with a general tenet of medical professionalism, that we treat all patients with compassion. Compassion can’t be faked, or put on for the moment. It presumes genuine sentiment, within which lies respect.

When we train medical students, we talk a lot about empathy. In its most literal sense, empathy is the attempt to appreciate the emotions of another, to feel the world from their perspective. As I talked more with Ms. M. during her visit, I began to get a sense of what her life was like. I couldn’t presume to actually know how she felt, but I could begin to imagine it and how I might cope with an extra hundred pounds and the attendant stress.
When I saw her in my office recently, I felt a difference in myself. The physical exam was still a little difficult for me—I’m being honest—but I worked to keep Ms. M. in the forefront of my mind. My emotions pulled but felt more manageable.

Maybe that’s what doctors should strive for—to prod our negative feelings out of the shadows, however awkward the process. The truth is, disrespect has no place in the doctor-patient relationship. To provide good medical care, doctors must first ensure that every patient feels comfortable in their presence. If doctors don’t feel comfortable themselves, we must be honest about it; only then will the biases have the chance to dissipate.

Finding and understanding an idea different from your own

It's true that we like to think what we know is true and right and those that oppose our ideas are wrong. But is that actually true? How many times have you been proved wrong? Probably very few. Because you forgot about those times. We don't consider those, we push them out of memory because we all like to think we are perfect, or close to it. And anyone who questions that is evil and don't deserve our respect, they could only be the villain in our little sob story.

But what do we gain from being this way? Do we learn from our mistakes if we think we didn't make any mistakes? Do we try to fix ourselves? Fix what? I am perfect!

Does this lead to us being exceptionally arrogant that others want to stay away? But if everyone is doing this then who is right?

I think it's important for us to train our minds to be open, to be willing to intelligently consider all possibilities. Not be gullible, but not be stuck up either. Only then can we better ourselves. Because if nothing else, I do know one truth. As humans, we are not perfect.

Ps. I did find an article regarding this that I wanted to share

Article


While it feels great to have others constantly confirm that our beliefs about life and the world are right, we already know that can be bad for us in the long run. Well, what might not be so obvious is that the same holds true when it comes to our news consumption.

As more of us turn to the web as our main, if not only, source of news, the breadth and depth of our news diet often decreases. We can be attracted to websites and stories that back up our existing theories, echo our social and political views, and make us feel strong and right. John F. Harris, editor in chief of Politico.com, recently told The New York Times, "Everybody in the audience is his or her own editor based on where they want to move their mouse." Our news selection is often times less practical than it is emotional.

Choosing news programs, networks, and websites that simply express some version of what we already believe can have negative consequences. How do we expect to solve anything without understanding how the other side thinks and feels? Albert Einstein said it best: "No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it." Plus, what happened to being challenged? Expanding our minds? How about a little friendly debate?

Follow these simple steps the next time you get your news online to help expand your mind:

Be aware of the collective. Do you only read the articles listed under "Most Read" or "Most Emailed"? Go beyond that to know what other news is out there.

Surf a site with an opposing slant. Check out an op-ed from someone on the other side of the issue. If you don't agree with it, now you might at least have a better sense of why.

Try to see the other side. Even if you disagree with the overall idea, sometimes there might be aspects of it that resonate with you. Either way, it is a good chance to practice open-mindedness.

Enjoy the debate. Get together with a friend who has different views on government bailouts, gay marriage or some other hot button issue and have a debate. Fight fair as you work to present your point and practice actively listening to theirs. It can be a great way to connect.

Take a break from the water cooler. Yes, those gossip stories about celebrities can be entertaining, but make sure to get a balanced diet of news including top stories, health and other topics important to everyday life.

Building awareness about our news consumption habits can foster deeper mindfulness about how we think about issues and our world. Plus, who knows, we might discover something new about ourselves in the process!

TOP TIPS FOR JOB HUNTERS: Network. Network. Network.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201007/top-tips-job-hunters-network-network-network

Here is a link to a good article and I will paste it here for people to read:

TOP TIPS FOR JOB HUNTERS: Network. Network. Network.
Get a great job through networking. Learn how now.

Networking is probably the most important step toward getting employed. By networking you dramatically increase your chances of getting hired sooner rather than later.

Most new jobs result from networking. This is as simple as asking your friends, relations, and business contacts for information about job openings. Here is an equally important question. Ask who do they know who can open the gate to a job opportunity. When your contact person knows the gate keeper, you are more likely to get a favorable response.

If you are fortunate, one or more of your network contacts will champion your application. This is a big boost any time, and especially in a weak job market when the time to get rehired usually takes longer, unless, that is, you make a special effort to beat the averages. To get into this favorable position, you have to do something first. Make the contacts!

Expand Your Horizons

Your primary network resources are the approachable people in your life whom you already know. These are your friends, relatives, neighbors, and former business contacts.

Not all primary sources include people you currently know. Developing new contacts through networking is a usual business practice. If you are in sales, you may ask a good customer for names of others who may want to do business with your organization. If you don't ask, how are you to know? The same is true when you network for a job.

Primary sources people have are the ones with information or influence. You may not know them at a personal level, but you can introduce yourself to them. For example, recently promoted people, who are in your career area, are good potential contacts. You can identify them via news articles announcing their promotions. Some may want to reshape a department, and will have an opening that you may be able to fill. If you are a college graduate, send your resume and a cover letter to your alumni placement office. Then follow up with a call.

The food server at a restaurant will, from time to time, hear discussions about jobs. A simple question, "Have you heard about any openings for a security guard (manager, machinist, manufacturing)?" can lead to a lead. If you are a "good tipper," your food server may tip you off to an opportunity. The person behind the counter at an auto parts store can be a source for information about jobs. You're buying something. There is a built in reciprocity. Leave a card.

Your local State representative and Congressperson are resources. Some are interested in helping their constituents find work. Make an appointment to speak to a legislative aide. Check with you local Chamber of Commerce for job opening information in your area of interest.

When you use secondary networking techniques you make informal contacts. Secondary sources are anywhere you can find them: at parties, conferences, tag sales, antique shows, or fishing on a public dock. They may be people at the table next to your table at a restaurant, engaged in discussing jobs. A casual but positive comment may (or may not) bring you into the conversation.

Are you a member of a social organization? Do you play sports? Do you have hobbies? Each area provides an informal opportunity to network.

For some secondary contacts, hand out your card with your job interest written on the back. All you need is one home run to win the job-search game. You never know who will lob you a ball that you can hit.

This is a number game. The more contacts you make the more likely you'll identify an opportunity. Fearless Job Hunting (Knaus, Klarreich, Grieger & Knaus 2010. New Harbinger)will tell you more about how to identify network contacts, and how to nurture the profitable contacts that you make.

Avoidable Pitfalls

Having or developing the skill to network effectively is a critical job-search tool--perhaps the most important. But many people put off networking because of intruder fears, the appearance of asking for a handout, feeling phony, fearing you'll embarrassing yourself, acting threatened, procrastination, or other.

You have an intruder fear if you believe you will interrupt or inconvenience practically anyone you ask for information about jobs. Consider an alternative view. The challenge is to find those who are interested in helping, and let the others go their own way. This experimental view is a radical change from one-way-street intruder thinking.

If you think networking is approaching people as though you were looking for a handout, think again. To network is to approach friends, relatives, neighbors, former business contacts, and promising new people and ask if they know of a job opening, or someone you can speak to who might. This is like asking for a recommendation for a good dentist. Would you see a friend or relative's request for help as asking for charity? Most would see this as an opportunity to be helpful.

Do you see networking as brown nosing and acting like a phony? You don't have to flatter others to ask for information. Would you flatter a librarian to ask how to use Internet resources to find a job? There are many cordial ways to ask people for assistance. This can include a genuine recognition of the value of the resources they can offer.

Are you embarrassed asking people about work. If so, you may have a self-defeating problem to solve. Ralph left for work at 7:00AM and returned home at 6:00 PM. Everything looked normal. The same yard service appeared every week. He'd wave to people as he drove down the street. There was a caveat. Ralph was out of work for about two years. He was too embarrassed about his job loss to ask for help. As time went on, he was embarrassed for not asking for help sooner. He stopped looking for a job because he felt embarrassed to face a future employer question about why he was out of work for so long. This was a therapeutic issue. Once Ralph learned to stop telling himself embarrassing thoughts, he settled down and got a job.

Threat can lead to defensive aggression. Dawn was running out of money. Time was running out on getting her fledgling consulting practice up and running. After attending a presentation on employee selection, she approached the speaker and demanded names of business contacts so that she could sell her consulting services. She pushed a pad in the speaker's face. This came across like a Seinfeld TV comedy skit. Here, it is important to take some time-even if a minute or so-to develop rapport. Skip this step, and you limit yourself.

Do you think you are doing yourself a big favor by plowing through want ads as though this was the only way you can find a job? This is a way to find work, but not a very efficient one. About 11% find jobs through newspaper ads. Reading and re-reading newspaper want ads is more often a procrastination busy work practice.

If you find yourself in this busy work procrastination pattern, refocus. What's your job search objective? What are high yield approaches to getting a job?

Networking is a high yield approach. If you are not networking with reasonable consistency, you are procrastinating. To unsnarl yourself from this pattern, see: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/20100... The above procrastination test gives links to blogs that give solutions to your specific form of procrastination.

Read End Procrastination Now (Knaus. 2010. McGraw-Hill). You'll find multiple tested techniques to avoid traps like fear of failure. Adapt them to boost your productivity, follow through on job opportunities, and then keep the job.

Family

According to Wikipedia, a family is an exclusive group of people who share a close relationship. A family consists of people who depend on each other for support and love each other unconditionally, a relationship that surpasses time and space. Why is it then that people these days seem to be more comfortable sharing intimate details of their lives to strangers on the internet but not to their families?

A person’s dating records might be all over the internet to see, but they do not disclose such information to their parents for fear of being judged. Should children be worried more about being judged by their parents or by people who don’t know them at all. I would say that people should not be worried about bring judged by anyone but God. Yet, I feel the need to protect my parents from things that might hurt them. Others may feel that the parents will not understand their situation and will try and tell them that they are wrong.

I am not the kind of person who thinks that parents are always right. Once you reach a certain level, you can determine what is right for you and what is not. But, if you have to hide something from your family, perhaps that is an indication that you might actually be doing something wrong. It is definitely possible that your family is very judgmental and so they annoy you and always try to tell you how to live your own life. But most times they are only trying to help. There is advice coming to us from all sources. Why should we punish someone for trying to help us? If their advice is not useful, just ignore it and appreciate the love. But a lot of times, the advice we get from our parents are things we already know for ourselves but refuse to admit it. It’s possible that their advice make us feel guilty, which we know parents are experts in. Because, taking their advice will mean we have to work harder to achieve things. So when they tell us what to do, not only do we ignore it, we use it as an excuse to avoid telling them things. This way, we don’t have to hear what we already know deep inside.